How does one recognize an old person? Could one be living in your midst? Use this simple two part test. First notify them that the record player has stopped working. It's not important that the record player really be on the blink, this is a ruse you see. If they say "It was my turn to wind it, please forgive me" it is likely you are dealing with an old person. To positively confirm the fact go to your refrigerator and remark how the milk feels a tad warm. Again, you need not heat the milk, this is an elaborate deception remember. If the person asks "Well what day does the iceman deliver?" then the case my friends is most decidedly closed.
It's impossible to explain, at least until the statute of limitations runs out, how I came to be responsible for an old person. Let me just say that if this were a sitcom, I would be playing the part of the Wacky Neighbor, forever getting mixed up in hilarious hijinks. Like bathing the elderly-cue the laugh track. In all honesty there are some lighthearted moments. We play games together to pass the time. If my old person says " I know I came in the living room for a reason, now what was it? " I gamely suggest some possible reasons. If it were a Sunday I might offer " You came out to watch Ed Sullivan with me silly. Stiller and Meara are on for sure and maybe those guys who spin the plates on poles will be on too". This would never work on a Monday. You probably see this coming but I might say "Don't you remember that last week Gunsmoke was a TO BE CONTINUED. All week you have been on pins and needles about how Festus would escape those gypsies, or was it Comanches? Either way, pull up a chair!" We no longer play Hide the Dentures. Suffice it to say that once he found out he still had his own teeth the two hour search had angered the bee in his bonnet exponentially.
So why do I do it? It's just that he had a cat named Tiger. Once you have a cat like that you miss him terribly and ache inside when he leaves you. I wondered what made Tiger so special so I asked. Holding the sterling silver tin that contained Tiger's ashes my old person just choked up. I get it I told him. I know three cats just like that.
